Borderlands

The first thing everyone seems to do with this game is compare it to Fallout 3.

I have one thing to say to everyone doing that. Stop it.

In fact, stop comparing Borderlands to anything else. Because it's not like anything else. It's a whole new thing.

Gearbox tells us that an RPG and an FPS had a baby. Everyone rolls their eyes and mutters something about Fallout 3. Shut your face. Fallout 3 was an RPG with guns that was played from a rather clunky first person perspective. It didn't have nearly enough shooter elements to be considered a hybrid.

Borderlands, on the other hand, plays like a shooter. If you walked into a room where someone was playing Borderlands, and you didn't know what it was, it would look like a shooter. But then BAM! Experience points? Levels? Skill trees?

But then everyone gripes about the graphics. Cel-shading? What is this, Wind Waker? A kiddie game? Lame. Shut your face. It might not look like Crysis, but Crysis sucked anyway, and the slightly comic-esque visual styling of the game fits it well.

Various characters within the game add a light touch to the barren planet of Pandora, such as the little Claptrap robots who help you out in various ways. "Hey everybody, check me out. I'm dancin'. I'm dancin'!" or T.K. Baha, the blind man who always makes jokes about seeing you later.

But, what review of this game could possibly be complete without mention of one of the game's biggest claims to fame. Borderlands has more guns than every other Xbox360 and PlayStation3 game... combined. A random weapon generator with hundreds of thousands, possibly millions, of possible unique combinations. There are a handful of arms manufacturers on Pandora, each with their own specific trademarks. Vladof weapons have a higher rate of fire. Dahl weapons have lower recoil. S&S Munitions made weapons have larger magazines, etc.

Now, onto the gameplay and story and all that jazz.

Pandora is a desolate desert planet, populated by criminals and dangerous animals with huge mouths where their heads should be. But legends tell of the Vault, a storage place filled with valuable alien technology. You play as one of four people hunting for the Vault, each with unique abilities.

The Soldier is your basic jack-of-all-combat guy. He has a pretty versatile skillset, deploys a turret as his active skill, and seems at home with almost any weapon in the game.

The Hunter is your long range fighter. Less suited for solo play, the Hunter is a master of sniper rifles and revolvers, making him amazing at getting rid of problems from a long way away, but without backup to keep things out of his face, he becomes less effective. His active skill is a hawk that flies out and attacks one enemy before returning. Skill upgrades later can increase the number of enemies the hawk attacks.

The Siren is, well, I'm not quite sure. Her weapon affinities are for elemental weapons, rather than specific classes of firearms. Her active skill is planewalk, which makes her invisible for a short period, and causes damage to nearby enemies when initially activated.

The Berserker, well, is exactly what he sounds like. His weapon affinity is for anything that explodes, and his fists. However, he can only use his fists when he activates his active skill, berserk. Many of his other skills upgrade berserk, making it last longer, give him health boosts, etc.

Due to their increased solo survivability, the soldier and berserker are better choices for solo play, however, in co-op, every class has its chance to really shine by working together.

The usual distinction between story missions and side missions is almost completely non-existent, as almost every mission you do moves you towards your ultimate goal in some way.

This is a game I can't see myself being finished playing for a very, very long time.

The Bottom Line: get it now.

Wolfenstein

WOAH WOAH WOAH.

Wolfenstein? Is it 1981?

It is not, but just for the heck of it, we're going to have a quick run through of the Wolfenstein series.

Castle Wolfenstein (1981, Muse Software)

Castle Wolfenstein practically defined the stealth game genre. They did it first. But since they did it first, they didn't quite get it right (like when the Athenians tried Democracy). The game is viewed from a top down perspective, though characters and treasure chests are drawn from a sideways perspective. This makes them easier to identify, but also gives the impression that everyone is sliding around on their backs.

The nameless protagonist finds himself inside Castle Wolfenstein, deep in Nazi Germany during World War II. He must take as much treasures and intelligence documents as he can and escape.

Ironically, killing Nazis in this game is something of a bad idea, as your only methods of killing them are grenades, which make a lot of noise.

Instead the player must rely on stealth, wits, and the occasional disguise to win the day.

The game was a pioneer not only in the stealth genre, but also in game sound. It was the first game to feature spoken voices for characters. (Nazis would yell "Halt!" or "Kommen Sie!" at the player.)

Beyond Castle Wolfenstein (1984, Muse Software)

A direct sequel to Castle Wolfenstein, the player controls (presumably) the same nameless Allied Spy. Except this time, you're not just looting Nazi treasure chests. This time you're out to blow up the Führer himself.

Also you have a gun now. Which is still loud, but not quite so much as grenades.

Wolfenstein 3D (1992, id Software)

A reboot and reimagining of the series, Wolfenstein 3D defined the modern FPS, and for all intents and purposes, can be considered the first FPS.

The player takes control of B.J. Blazkowicz (Blaz-ko-vitch), a US spy of Polish descent. B.J. is in many ways, your standard 1980s action hero, and is in fact depicted on the original game box with his shirt off.

The game consists of three episodes, the first of which was released as shareware.

In the first, Escape from Castle Wolfenstein, you... escape... from Castle Wolfenstein. Pretty straightforward. Your escape is blocked by Hans Grosse, an absurdly large German soldier wearing heavy metal body armor and wielding two chainguns.

In the second, Operation: Eisenfaust, B.J. finds that Nazi scientists are creating undead mutants with machineguns for sternums (seriously) in Castle Hollehammer, and must stop them by killing Dr. Schabbs.

In the third, Die, Führer, Die, you have to kill Hitler. However, this is not so easy as you might expect, as Hitler is equipped with a huge metal suit and FOUR chainguns. Hitler as depicted in this form is listed as one of the top 100 best video game bosses of all time.

Wolfenstein 3D: The Nocturnal Missions (1992, id Software)

An additional three episodes, set before Escape from Castle Wolfenstein, but still depicting B.J. Blazkowicz.

In A Dark Secret, B.J. pursues and kills Dr. Otto Giftmacher, responsible for German research into chemical warfare.

In Trail of the Madman, B.J. searches for more Nazi plans and chemical research, culminating in a battle with Gretel Grosse (Han's sister).

In Confrontation, B.J. eliminates the Nazi chemical war initiative by fighting and killing General Fettgesicht.

Spear of Destiny (1993, id Software)

Another prequel to Wolfenstein 3D, the player leads B.J. Blazkowicz on a mission to recover the Spear of Destiny from Nazi possession after it was stolen from Versailles. While Spear of Destiny was only one episode, it was notably longer than the other six, and featured five boss fights. Trans Gross (brother to Hans and Gretel), Barnacle Wilhelm (a German General responsible for the theft of the spear), the Übermutant (an extra powerful mutant created by Dr. Schabbs), and the Death Knight (a battlesuit designed to guard the spear).

After defeating the Death Knight, the player obtains the Spear and fights the final boss, the Angel of Death.

Return to Castle Wolfenstein (2001, id Software)

Despite the rather sequel-y name, Return is actually another reboot of the series. Unlike previous incarnations of the game, Return to Castle Wolfenstein featured a very in depth story with a heavy focus on the Nazi interest in the occult and supernatural.

The player once again takes control of B.J. Blazkowicz, and finds himself pulled from military service to work for the OSA or Office of Secret Actions, a fictional spinoff of the OSS or Office of Secret Services.

The main antagonist of the game is Oberführer Wilhelm "Deathshead" Strauss, who hopes to create the ultimate soldiers via bioengineering and cybernetics.

Wolfenstein RPG (2008, id Software)

Wolfenstein RPG borrows heavily from Wolfenstein 3D, while being streamlined and slowed down to be played on mobile devices, namely cell phones. Combat is done in a turn based fashion.

Wolfenstein (2009, id Software)

Ah, now this is what we've been waiting for!

Wolfenstein is a sequel to Return to Castle Wolfenstein. The opening cutscene reveals B.J. kicking a whole ton of ass on a Nazi warship before being cornered by a lot of Nazis with guns. He holds up a medallion, and it shields him from their bullets before magically vaporizing all of them. B.J. escapes via airplane as the ship explodes. Upon his return to OSA headquarters, he is assigned a new mission. He is to go to the fictional German city of Isentadt and meet with Caroline Becker, leader of the Kreisau Circle, an anti-Nazi resistance movement.

The game is semi-linear in design, with Isenstadt itself being very sandbox like, though rather small, and travelling to certain other areas triggering linear missions.

B.J. has to take out the leader of the Nazis in the area, General Zetta, who is then replaced by Wilhelm Deathshead Strauss.

The game features eight guns, five real and three fictional, which can be upgraded throughout the course of the campaign by buying parts at the Black Market using stolen Nazi gold.

One important element of gameplay is the Thule Medallion, acquired during one of the early missions. The Medallion offers several abilities, unlocked one at a time as you progress through the story, that are required to beat the game.

Veil Sight allows the player to view the overlapping area between this dimension and the Black Sun dimension, making certain passages visible that would not normally be accessible.

Mire slows down time while allowing B.J. to move at normal speed, making it much easier to deal with fast moving enemies or enemies that are difficult to kill from a distance.

Shield throws up a large barrier that deflects bullets. With upgrades from the Black Market, it can destroy enemies who shoot it, as seen in the opening cutscene.

and Empower makes your shots more powerful, allowing them to go through shields, take out heavy armor, or just plain vaporize Nazi soldiers.

Hans Grosse also makes a reappearance, eventually showing up as the final boss, wearing a huge suit of mecha armor and wielding chainguns, in an obvious throwback to his original appearance in Wolfenstein 3D.

The Bottom Line: It's definitely Wolfenstein, and if you're a fan of any of the previous games, I strongly suggest you check it out. And if you just plain like shooters, I also suggest you check it out.

Halo 3: ODST

Yeah, yeah, another Halo, right? That was kinda how I felt about it for a while. The reason I relented and bought a copy new was simply because everyone else here at school is playing it, and I enjoy being able to multi-player game with people I know. However, after popping the game in and playing it, I wished I had preordered it, just so I could have had it two days sooner (and gotten that shiny limited edition controller too). First element of awesome: Your squad leader is NATHAN FUCKING FILLION. Not just in voice, but his face too. And on top of all that, the character (Gunnery Sergeant Edward Buck) is remarkably similar to Captain Malcolm Reynolds. To stack the awesome, Corporal "Dutch" Miles, the squad close combat and heavy weapons specialist, is voiced by Adam Baldwin, and remarkably like Jayne Cobb, and the squad Demolitions Expert (and pilot) is voiced by Alan Tudyk. I had a total Firefly-gasm when I found out about the cast.

Halo 3: ODST was originally conceived as a small game (possibly intended as a downloadable content for Halo 3) to pacify raving Halo fanatics while they waited for Halo: Reach. During production, it grew to a full scale game. In the game, you take control of a squad of Orbital Drop Shock Troopers (one at a time, of course) dropped into the city of New Mombasa, Kenya, shortly after the Covenant invasion of that city.

During the drop, the pods are scattered by an electromagnetic pulse created when a Covenant Warship enters slipspace. The Rookie is scattered the farthest from the course, and knocked unconscious on impact. You take control of him when he awakens six hours later, and scour the city for clues to the location of your squadmates. Every clue you find triggers a flashback sequence in which you take control of one of the other squad members.

But on to the aspect that makes or breaks any game (with the exception of any RPG with a really good story). Gameplay.

ODST is similar enough to Halo that veterans of the series will recognize it as the game they know and love, but different enough that those who disliked Halo for whatever reason might still enjoy ODST, should they give it a chance.

In lieu of shields, the ODSTs have stamina, which may remind some gamers of Call of Duty games. After taking a certain amount of damage, the screen will take on a red tint and you will hear your Marine gasping and grunting, indicating that your stamina is down. Low stamina does not affect your combat performance, but if you take damage when your stamina is depleted, it will cause damage to your health. Stamina will refill if you avoid taking damage for a short period of time, though it does not recharge as fast as a SPARTAN's shields, nor can it take as much damage. Health, on the other hand, does not recharge normally. To refill lost health, you must find a medkit, or biogel, or whatever they call it (it's all the same). Incidentally, if you grab one when your stamina is depleted, it will instantly refill your stamina, even if you are under fire.

As logic would demonstrate, the ODSTs cannot jump as high or punch as hard as the superhuman SPARTANs, and when you couple that with their reduced ability to take fire, the player must take a bit more care to avoid running into the middle of large groups of enemies.

However, there were some elements from Halo 3 that I did not expect to be carried over. Like Master Chief, any of the ODSTs can destroy enemy tanks by jumping on them and punching the hatch until it breaks and killing the pilot. I do not fully understand how unaugmented humans have the ability to break tanks with their fists. You can also still rip turrets off their posts and take them with you. This alone is somewhat strange, but when you couple the fact that carrying a turret does not detract from your ability to run and jump, you might seriously question the folks down at Bungie.

Despite this, the *cough* tactical run-and-gun gameplay is solid enough to forgive these mistakes.

ODST also includes a multiplayer game mode called Warzone. For those of you familiar with Gears of War's Horde, it's exactly like that (only Halo). Players cooperate to fight off wave after wave of increasingly dangerous Covenant. This is the only actual multiplayer aspect of ODST (other than co-op campaign), but the game also includes a disc containing Halo 3: Mythic, which is just the multiplayer aspect of Halo 3 (presumably including the Mythic Map Pack).

The Bottom Line: I am very satisfied with ODST, and personally consider it to be the best installment of the Halo series thus far. If you are a newbie to Halo, this could be a good place to start, and if you're a veteran of the series, no reason to stop now.

FEAR 2: Project Origin

Guess Who? H4ZM4T with a Review!!! This time, it's for the Highly Anticipated FEAR 2: Project Origin.


In this game you play as Michael Beckett, and it takes place directly 30 minutes BEFORE the end of the First FEAR. You start off at the bottom of this giant building you find out you have to get to the top of. No You don't have to take the stairs (Though your teammate will bitch about it). When you get there, you realize that Alma (The little girl from the first game) is causing problems. How do you deal with problems? You ruthlessly murder them. After the explosion (Which you see, and it looks incredible). So after Alma fucks everything up, you have to find her with the help of some computer nerd named Snake Fist. Yes. His name is Snake Fist. But I digress, I don't want to spoil anything, but there will be a sequel. Or I will Kill.


So the Graphics are pretty much amazing. The area feels dark, dingy, and scary as hell. There is one point where all you see is pitch black except for a flickering light. After you pass a certain point, the light flickers and you see Alma standing there, but it flickers again and she's gone. At another point she runs at you, grabs you while you rapidly press the B button(on 360) to get her off of you, she politely screams "STAY AWAYY!!!!!". The game definitely lives up to it's title.

Another plus is the AI is incredible. I'm so happy that a company made a game with AI deliberately using strategy to try and kick your ass. For example: In the game there is a level with the school. Somewhere in that school is a play area with a big farm. I'm hiding behind the farm thinking "Those bastards are so dead," Until I hear "HE'S HIDING BEHIND THE FARM! THROW A GRENADE!" Yeah. I wasn't too happy about my following death.

But the BEST thing about this game is the Gripping story. I was anticipating every single moment of that game. I never got bored, and never thought "This doesn't make sense!" It is beautifully written, the voice actors are good, and it feels realistic in a certain sense.


Now to the things I don't like. The game is REALLY Short. I beat it in about 6 hours. Although those were 6 of the scariest, most action packed hours of my life, I still expected a lot more. You don't spend over a year developing a game to only have it be 6 hours long, especially if it's as anticipated as FEAR 2 was.

Another problem I had was the multiplayer is Mediocre at best. Sure, FPS Multiplayers are all fun and stuff, but you need to add your own flare if you want them to be truly amazing. This Multiplayer had no flare except the achievements.


But I have to Admit... The Story is too well to miss out on. If you have a PC, Xbox 360, or PS3 and Love FPS's, I highly recommend this game. Maybe the Multiplayer won't get you, but the incredible story gives it replay value.

9/10. Silent Hill+Rainbow 6=FEAR 2

Taken

For those of you who live in Europe and have somehow heard of this blog, Taken is old news. For those of us who live the States, its fresh meat.

Taken was one of few movies that I was getting really hyped about, because who doesn't like the idea of a feature film length clip of Liam Neeson kicking ass? I'll tell you who. Nobody. So when I finally got to see Taken, I was quite happy. And even as I was watching it, lines of excellent things I could say in this blog were running through my head.

Lets start off with a list of things I learned by watching this film.

• Do not attempt to fight Liam Neeson if you do not have a gun, as his hands are actually more deadly than a blast of steam to the face.
• Do not attempt to fight Liam Neeson if you do have a gun, as he will take it from you and shoot you with it.
• Do not attempt to fight Liam Neeson if there are any surfaces nearby, as he can use these to kill you.
• Do not attempt to fight Liam Neeson if you have arms or legs because he can grab them and use them to control you.
• Do not attempt to fight Liam Neeson if you have ribs, because he knows how to shove them into your lungs.
• Do not attempt to fight Liam Neeson if thirty other guys have your back, because he will kill them too.
• Do not attempt to fight Liam Neeson if he is handcuffed to a pipe on the ceiling, because he will still kill you.
• Do not attempt to fight Liam Neeson if he is in a car, because he can do some crazy car tricks.
• Every single car in France is made by Jeep.
• It is acceptable to drive through a trailer if you honk politely first.
• Even when his attention is riveted on a boat and he is driving against traffic, Liam Neeson is a better driver than anyone I know.

These facts clearly demonstrate that Liam Neeson is way more badass than Chuck Norris, and possibly even more badass than Clint Eastwood.

But on to the movie itself. Liam Neeson is Brian Mills, and his daughter is turning 17. Woo. Yeah. Oh, and he's divorced, and his ex-wife is now married to a super-rich multi-national oil tycoon or something. One of the guys who you love to hate.

After the party, some of Brian's old friends come over, and they have a barbeque, and he gets invited to help with security for some super-rich singer. He says hey, what the heck, and goes along for the ride. After the show, some shit goes down, and Brian has to escort the singer back to the vehicle. On the way, they are ambushed by a whackjob with a knife, who promptly gets his ass handed to him by Brian. I think he might have died, because I'm pretty sure his ribcage got crushed.

The next day, the singer decides to help him by giving him information to give to his daughter, who wants to become a singer. Brian is pleased about this, and plans to share this information with his daughter at lunch the next day. At said lunch, he is ambushed by his ex-wife and a form to sign, allowing his daughter to go to Paris. He says he'll think about it, and everyone gets upset and leaves.

He eventually signs the papers and lays down some conditions. He drives her to the airport, where he notices some scribblings on a map and finds out the trip to Paris is actually just the beginning of a trip to follow U2 all over Europe for their tour. Wait, what? Why follow U2? They're not even any good anymore.

Oh right, so anyway, his ex-wife convinces him to let her go, and then in Paris, Kim (Brian's daughter) and her friend meet a guy, share a cab with him, and then comes the part you've all seen in the previews. Kim's friend gets kidnapped by a human traffiking group, and then the phone conversation I'm sure many of you know very well.

So Brian sends some data to his friends to get data in return, and goes and tells his ex-wife and her husband whats happened. He gets a flight to Paris, knowing he has 96 hours to find Kim before she's lost forever.

He finds the apartment, demonstrates his incredible skills of postcognition, and recovers a microSD card from Kim's smashed phone. With this card, he is able to get a picture of the guy who shared the cab with them and called in the human traffikers. He quickly finds him, about to snare another girl, and bashes his face into the cab and breaks half his ribs, asking what happened to the American girls. A huge security guy messes with Brian, and quickly gets his face bashed into so many different surfaces, he's knocked cold. But OH NOES! The kid with the broken ribs is running away. So Brian steals the cab and chases him down. The kid jumps off a freeway ramp onto the back of a semi, hobbles out into the street, and gets hit by a bus. Crud.

Some more stuff happens, and he finds the first group of guys, and it turns out that if there are a roomfull of guys with knives and guns, with more rooms full of the same all around, Liam Neeson will still kill all of them, except one, who he knocked out using a nearby surface beforehand. (Seriously, surfaces are dangerous when this guy is around.)

The interrogation scene is particularly harsh. Brian stabs the man in the legs, just above the knees, with a pair of nails, which he connects via jumper cables to a nearby lightswitch. Every flip of the switch turns on the light, and also fries the hell out of the guy. Eventually getting most of the information he wants, Brian walks away, leaving the lightswitch on as he leaves.

Then you get some more thrill-ride action as Brian finds the next guy on list, finds his daughter, and kills some more people. He even uses a move I like to call "The Tom Selleck," which involves being on the ground, shooting under some low object. First you shoot a guy in the ankles, and when he falls down, you shoot him in the somewhere-more-vital.

Then he gets his daughter back, flies home and blah, blah, blah, credits roll.

The Bottom Line: Like action movies? Good. Watch this one. Like action, but think most action movies suck? Try this one, I think you'll like it.

Classics: Sid Meier's Pirates!

Game review here!

A classic game, remade in 2004 (or somewhere around that time) for PC and Xbox, Sid Meier's Pirates is... well, heck, I don't even know what genre you'd call it. Adventure, I guess.

You play as a young man, named whatever the heck you want, who is separated from his family by some evil count guy. Years later, he signs on with a ship. You get to choose, English, Dutch, Spanish, or French. As soon as you choose what crew you sign on with, you get a nice cinematic where you lead a mutiny because the captain is a total dick.

Nice! Go from swabbie to Captain before the game even starts!

So basically, the only thing that's really influenced by the captain you choose to sign on with is what port you start at. You can change your alliances in game easily just by deciding who to shoot at and who not to shoot at. If you're me, you'll have a tendency to shoot at the Spanish, because everybody knows that the Spanish were dicks back in that day. They might be dicks now, I don't know, I've never been to Spain. If you're my roommate Chris, you'll have a tendency to shoot at the French, because he just plain doesn't like France.

The game is essentially a sandbox, except that its filled with water and looks like the Caribbean. You can capture other boats, and create a fleet of up to ten ships, provided you have sufficient crew to man all those ships. Different ships have different stats, as well. The smallest ship, the Indian War Canoe, carries 50 men (75 with upgrades), something like 8 cannons, 20 or so tons of goods, and is the fastest, most maneuverable ship in the game. The largest ship, by contrast, carries hundreds of crew, 50 cannons, and hundreds of tons of cargo. However, it is clumsy to maneuver, and sometimes goes backwards if the wind isn't blowing just right.

You also have to deal with food. The more crew you have, the faster food will be consumed, and if you don't have enough crew, some food will go to waste. One upgrade can help with this. If you buy barrels, food lasts longer. Presumably without barrels, you just kinda tossed the foodstuffs on the floor of the hold, and it probably got stepped on every time someone had to get some rope or whatever.

The story, should you choose to actually pursue it, involves beating up the same bad guy over and over to get clues about the location of your missing family members. Once you have sufficient information, you can go to that location and dramatically kick down the door, at which point your relatives, who have not seen you since you were a little kid, will instantly recognize the angry pirate you and run up to hug you. Then you never see them for the rest of the game. Weird.

You also have to occasionally divide up the plunder, which basically resets your possessions and gives you the option of raising the difficulty one notch. If you do not divide the plunder, your crew will start to get irritated and leave. Before you divide the plunder, it is best to sell all your goods and every ship except your best one. Note that you do not lose any story progress or maps by dividing the plunder.

Getting on the good side of factions can get you promoted, which grants you bonuses, such as goods being cheaper, ship repairs being cheaper, and crew being easier to recruit, but to get on the good side of one faction, you have to get on the bad side of whoever they are at war with.

Replay value is practically infinite, as many events in the game are random, so it is never quite the same twice. You can also choose from several different time periods, which pretty much just changes the distribution of ports and cities.

The Bottom Line: excellent game. Highly recommended. Besides, it has Pirates in it. And you are one. Why are you not already playing this game?

Eternal Sonata

Hello again! H4ZM4T with another review! This time it's Eternal Sonata, a game about Classical music, crazy dreams, and annoying combat.

Eternal Sonata pits you in the Dreams of Frederic Francois Chopin, who, in all honesty, is a Badass (And a classical music composer.) What blew me away is that Chopin was a real person, and the stuff it says about him in this game is actually true. He really did fall in love with some girl who smoked cigars and wrote romance novels, and he really was a good composer.

Now, on to the premise of the game. You are pitted in Chopin's Dream, where he meets this girl, whose name is Polka, and she can do magic. SINCE She can do magic, she is dying. And because she is dying, everyone hates her. They go off, in his dream, and try and find out what is going on with them while Chopin is convinced this is all some crazy fricken dream and he's about ready to wake up.

The premise, though stupid, is actually not that bad once you get into it. I'm a huge RPG nerd, and this game made me happy in the fact that it had potential to be a good, classic RPG.

The combat, I will admit, is pretty annoying. The Dialogue is worse though. The only good voice actor is the guy who plays Chopin, because he's the only one who actually sounds like he's hit puberty. The combat was really fun when the game first started. It has this weird system where people take turns going, but it's free roam and they have generally 5 seconds to attack, heal, whatever. When they stand still, the time will stop, so they can prepare to do whatever. This was an excellent idea, until they decided that "Hey! We're gonna go and fuck it all up for you!" They added in a feature where your party gains "Levels." Why? I don't know either. You'd think "Well hey! I gained a level! What excellent feature does that unlock? More time?" No. As a matter of fact, you get LESS Time. Why? I don't know. It's fucking extremely retarded though. Also, when you stop moving, the time keeps ticking away. You know what it's thinking? "Why are you standing still, retard?!"

Also, aiming can be annoying. I miss all the time when I think my guy is standing close enough to hit him without grinding on him. Unfortunately, you practically have to rub your junk against the enemy to Do some damage. Also, the fact that the amount of light and dark in a level affects how you play is really annoying. Some enemies get stronger in those areas, and you can only do certain attacks in different light spectrums. Again: I have no idea who thought this was a good idea.

Finally, it's just another RPG. It's long, it's tedious, it has it's wonderful moments, and I personally like it. But you have to be into the genre to love it as much as I do.


For Classic RPG fans, I give it a 7/10. The game isn't as bad as it seems, but it can be very tedious, but for Regular gamers I give it a 3/10. If you don't like the Genre, this isn't a game to play.

Spice and Wolf

Can't think....

Sooo fluffy....

NO! FOCUS!

So anyway, Spice and Wolf is an anime show. I have just watched the first season, which consists of 13 episodes. It has been renewed for a second season, which is supposed to air this Summer in Japan. We English speaking folks can expect subtitled versions sometime after that. Probably not too long.

So anyway, the show follows a merchant named Craft Lawrence, who travels all over the place messing with people in order to make money. One night, he finds a naked girl sleeping among the furs in the back of his wagon.

Now, why he objects to this is completely beyond me, but he does, and as he tries to wake her, he notices she has ears and a tail. A big fluffy, huggable tail that I want to stick my face in.

NO! FOCUS!

This girl turns out to be Horo, the Wise Wolf, who is the goddess of the harvest, or the wheat, or something. Honestly, I was distracted by the tail, and might have missed a few lines of dialogue. After she steals some of his jerky and eats it, he asks to see her real form, and then I'm not even sure what happens, but he gets knocked out or something. Horo appears naked in the show many times, but its never explicit, and she doesn't have any nipples.

So anyway, some more stuff happens, and she ends up accompanying him on his journeys to sell stuff. And he finds that a cute girl is a good way to throw shopkeepers off guard and get them to sell things unreasonably cheap.

The show is undeniably slow paced, and yet, for some reason, incredibly riveting. The tail is certainly part of it, but it alone cannot explain why I found myself so glued to the show, episode after episode. There are moments of intense action and conflict, but honestly, they are few and far between, and much of the show is driven by dialogue.

Twice in the first season, Horo turns into a huge fucking red wolf and kicks total ass, which more than makes up for the overall slow pace of the show.

The Bottom Line: Excellent anime, but I'm not sure why its so good. And be careful if you Google it. There are a lot of Horo pronz out there on the interwebs.

Gran Torino

So... Gran Torino. Going in, all I knew was that it involved Clint Eastwood, which was reason enough for me to watch it.

The title of the movie, however, should have been more along the lines of "Clint Eastwood is a Badass Old Man."

Clint Eastwood's character, Walt Kowalski, is a Korean war veteran who is undeniably racist, and basically just a grouchy old man. He's also the only white guy still living in a neighborhood full of Asian immigrants. Or in his words, "gooks." Walt's family constantly pisses him off, and his grandchildren fail miserably at deserving an ounce of respect for him. Near the beginning, his granddaughter is seen texting at her grandmother's funeral.

Thao, the son of the Asian family next door quickly finds himself involved with a gang he really doesn't want to be a part of, and they send him to steal Walt's 1972 Gran Torino, also known as a fuckin' sweet car. As he tries to steal it, he is confronted by a pissed off old man with an M1 Garand. Thao escapes, but refuses to return to the gang. They come to his house and try to take him by force, and the resulting struggle ends up on Walt Kowalski's lawn, where he once again confronts them with his Garand. They get the fuck off his lawn.

His actions make him a hero of the neighborhood, and he's actually a bit upset about this, because a bunch of "gooks" keep putting "garbage" on his front porch as thank you gifts.

He becomes a hero again when he saves Thao's sister Sue from not only an idiot boyfriend, but also three black gangsters. When he gives her a ride home, they have a conversation, and the phrase "You're alright, kid." is uttered, proving that despite being somewhat racist, he still recognizes goodness when he sees it in a person.

When one of Walt's sons tries to convince him to move to a rest home (on Walt's birthday, no less), Walt gets pissed off and kicks them out before spending some time sitting on his porch drinking some beers. Sue walks over and invites him to a barbecue, which he only attends because he's out of beers, and they aren't.

Over time, he starts to become fond of Sue and Thao, and the way his character develops is some of the best goddamn characterization I have ever seen in any movie, ever.

Thao is sent by his family to work for Walt as a way of apologizing for trying to steal his car. By the end of the period he was made to work for, Walt is actually quite fond of him, and helps "man him up" with extremely questionable methods and completely misleading examples. Then he helps him get a job.

When the gang messes with Thao again, Walt messes with them. While you have to question the tact of his actions, it hard to question the effectiveness. Beating the shit out of someone and putting a gun in their face is pretty likely to make them more inclined to listen to you and obey your demands.

After the gang steps it up, Walt goes home and puts a fist through every flat surface in his house, then sits down figures out a plan to take down the gang, but I've already spoiled enough of the movie for you, so I won't tell you how it goes.

The Bottom Line: some of the best writing and most believable characters I've seen on screen in quite a while. And Clint Eastwood is just as badass as always. It's well worth it to see this movie, I strongly recommend it.

Resident Evil 5 (Demo)

Hello. H4ZM4T, You're favorite nerd, is here to blog about video games again! And this time, it's the highly anticipated RE5... But just a demo.


So Of course, I don't know everything about the game yet, but I can certainly write about what's good so far.

I, personally, am a HUGE RE Fan. I love every game (Even Survivor) and am very excited for 5. Now Onto the Review.

In this game you play Chris Redfield (From the original RE) who is a badass SWAT Type dude trying to rid the infection in the South African area. You get a partner, whose name is Sheva, and they basically help you rid this monsterous infection. And Honestly? Thank GOD. This game is definitely a lot faster paced then it's predecessor. The Zombies seem to be more numerous, the ammo seems to be sparce, and the piss in my pants seems to grow more and more as I pull the trigger, begging my friend to give me ammo.

As I just mentioned, another WONDERFUL Inclusion of this game is the Cooperative mode, where your buddy can play as your female friend. This makes the game a lot easier, because even though you can roughly tell what your AI friend is doing, it's always easier to communicate with your friend then a computer program (When I am yelling "Dammit Man! Shoot that Zombie!" Chances are, AI Sheva won't hear me.) I'm not going to lie, after seeing the little girl from RE4 practically ruin my fun thanks to the fact she can't do anything except scream "LEEEEEOOOOOOONNNNN!!", My hopes weren't very high. But, when Sheva came in and murdered all the zombies I couldn't see, and proceeded to help my dying ass, I paused the game, got on my knees, and thanked CAPCOM for putting the greatest thing ever into this game; A REAL Partner.

The graphics are amazing. I saw the cutscenes and previews and didn't think it would live up to the 360 quality of graphics, but when I saw the vibrant and suspicious area of South Africa, I practically went into a seizure(of happiness, of course.) The Graphics are very detailed, and although the game is no Crysis (Thank god) You should be able to look at it and go "Those are pretty damn good."

Even though it was a demo, I saw very few bugs, except one major one; You can't pick how much ammo you give your friend. This bugged the shit out of me. The people I play with tend to see a box of ammo, realize they have 50 bullets, think about adding it to their collection while I'm blowing off heads saying "I'm down to like, 8 bullets in my box" and go "Well I'll grab this and give it to them!" This would be wonderful, if they didn't give me all 60 bullets they had. Even though I'm more then happy to have a lot of ammo, I feel like a greedy douche having it all while my now ammoless buddy is getting his head ripped off because he is running out of ammo.

Aside from that, the game is astonishing. I thought it would practically be a repeat of RE4, and even though the gameplay is similar, the story, graphics, and overall funness of the game shot through the roof. I have played the Demo over and over and all it does is make me cry at the fact RE5 isn't out yet (I have the Collector's Edition Prordered!)

I give it a 9.5/10. If the small ammo problem is fixed, I'm almost Positive RE5 completed will get a 10. Definitely the best in the series, and it isn't even done.

Robot Chicken

Woah, this is a new one.

Reviewing a television show, eh?

Why yes, I guess I am.

Now to those of you who don't already know, Robot Chicken is the brainchild of Seth Green, and is one of Cartoon Network's most popular shows. It is also filmed entirely in stop-motion, using mostly toys as the actors and props.

And to top that off, it has some of the darkest humor you'll see on TV these days. Well, unless you watch some of the other stuff on Cartoon Network's [adult swim]. That is the place for you to watch TV if you're into dark humor. But anyway, Robot Chicken.

The show is composed of chains of sketches of varying length, and one is very rarely related to the next. The transition from sketch to sketch is a brief moment of static, as though one were changing the channel. Recurring gags are used frequently. Some of the more famous gags are the humping robot, the nerd, and self referential humor. Thus far, the last episode of every season has involved Seth Green and some of the other producers of the show being informed that they have been cancelled.

I'm afraid there's not a whole more I can add here, so I bid you good day, and good bye.

The Bottom Line: If you enjoy dark humor, this is definitely a show for you. Otherwise, you'll probably want to avoid it. And all of [adult swim] for that matter.

Prince Of Persia

Hey Everyone. It's H4ZM4T, here with a Review for Prince of Persia.


So I, Being a huge Prince of Persia fan, was extremely excited to find out that they made a new title for this wonderful series, and was eager to play.

You play a prince, obviously, who has lost his donkey that had plenty of riches on it for him. He goes looking for his donkey and finds this crazy chick who can do a bunch of magic and stuff, which is sweet. Also, she won't let you die, which although helps you, gets a bet saddening. I get sad watching her save my ass over and over while playing the game. Also, you unleash some super demon type thing, and because you do this, it's your job to make sure it doesn't mass murder everything.

The Graphics are wonderful. I've always been a fan of Cel Shading, so that instantly caught me. The cutscenes are alright at first... but then they get extremely repetitive. (Alright, I get it. I suck at this game and you have to save me, but can I skip the cutscene already? I feel like shit every time!)

The Game is EXTREMELY repetitive. After you unlock all the combos and get used to whooping major ass, you start to realize "Wait, This is the 10th time I've foughten you!!!" The Dialogue is terrible. No one wants to hear the stupid prince try and act all super suave after this badass chick you don't even get to play as saves you from death over and over and OVER.

I had a lot of fun with this game for about two hours, which is the point that I realized I was screaming, trying not to break my controller, and feeling like a loser for getting saved constantly. If It wasn't so terribly repetitive, it'd be a great game.

But 20 hours of Nonstop button mashing and feeling like crap? No thanks.

3/10 for the amazing graphics and original idea, but they need more combos and less crappy dialogue

Mirrors Edge

Hello one more time, as it Is H4ZM4T. My final post of the day, and of January, is that of Mirrors Edge.

The story is about a girl named Faith, who is a "Runner" In a futuristic city where the government sucks, Red clothes are cool, and Facial Tattoos are hot. (Guess much hasn't changed)

So, as usual, I'll state the bad first. The story is ridiculously short. I beat it in less then 8 hours. On top of that, The story doesn't really catch, the guns suck, and the Dialogue is Cheesy and Terrible. I feel like I was playing a Triple X: State of the Union game.


Until I actually started moving as the character. Your HUD is just a dot. A dot in the middle of the screen, to prevent motion sickness. The movement as your character is fluid, the graphics are amazing, and you feel incredibly powerful after playing this game (I almost killed myself trying to run on the wall at my school. Thanks Mirrors Edge.)

Also, something that doesn't hurt, is that the Main Character is Smokin. There is nothing wrong with a little asian chick with a tattoo on her face, running around doing kung fu and beating the crap out of the government. Thank god.

Finally, the game is all in all Original. It's really fun and a breath of fresh air onto the dull world of constant FPS's and Exhausting strategy games.


Besides the fact that it's short and the story is terrible, I've got to let it slide. This Incredibly addicting, original, and noteworthy game is highly recommended. I say a 8/10

Silent Hill: Homecoming

Hey There! H4ZM4T Again, with another review! Two in one day? Looks like the rookie isn't slackin.

So Now I've got Silent Hill: Homecoming, another installment to the wonderfully horrific Silent Hill Series. In this game, you play Alex Sheppard, A soldier who was wounded in battle who is coming home because he has been having disturbing dreams about his brother, Josh.

Now the game starts off with you in Alchemilla Hospital, an infamous area to the silent hill series. The first thing I noticed is that this game is basically a Resident Evil 4 Rip off. It has the same over the shoulder style, with the gun style combat, and the same basic graphics. The saddening things is that Yes, the graphics are pretty much just like Resident Evil 4.

Also, when you do get out of the hospital, you'll notice you're not in Silent Hill, But in Sheppard's Glen, a town quite near Silent Hill. You'll find the area is practically Silent Hill without a Hospital, school, and ridculously scary guy with a giant sword walking around.

Aside from the Graphics problem, the game is extremely buggy. I've gotten into so many glitches that I'm extremely happy I Saved a lot. I've gotten to points in the game where enemies won't die, You fall through the level, you get stuck behind an invisible wall, texture failures, etc.


Now don't get me wrong. I had a lot of fun playing this game. The puzzles are fun and challenging, and not too repetitive, The Combat isn't that bad, even though it feels like you've done it before, The story is enticing, and I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty damn creepy. You don't get the feeling of helplessness like you do from the other silent hill games, but that's because the combat has been designed so you can ACTUALLY KILL in this game.


Overall, I give this a 6/10. If it isn't for you, it isn't for you, and The glitches and pre-gen graphics really killed the vibe.

Left 4 Dead Review

Ok. So this is my first review for the spork, and it's for one of the most highly anticipated multiplayer games ever: Left 4 Dead.


In Left 4 Dead, You play one of the few survivors of "The Infection." The Infected include your basic, 28 days later type zombies, as well as Valves originals, which include the Smoker, Hunter, Boomer, Tank, and the scariest thing ever, the Witch.


So for Starters, I'll go into the story mode. The simple fact is, there really isn't one. An Infection Happens, and that's it. You're one of the few survivors and all you do is kill and live. Kill, Live, Kill, Live, Kill.... That's about it. The characters really don't have any remote backstory, just a little detail, Like "Bill survived 3 wars." That's it. If your looking for a game with depth, this is not it.

Also, the one other bad thing about this game is that versus mode only allows you to access 2 of the 4 maps available to regular campaign. Now I'm not one to really complain about limiting certain things for good reasons, but it seems like Valve really tried to rush this game.


Now don't let what I said get you down. This game is the BEST Multiplayer game around, Hands down. It has the Ridiculously satisfying teamwork in campaign, as well as fun weapons, items, and simple gameplay. My Girlfriend, whom shops at Abercrombie and Fitch, Listens to Jesse McCartney, and Has bright blue walls in her room, absolutely adores this game. It's for everyone, hands down. It's easy to get into, and hard to put down.

The graphics aren't much to ask for, but then again, they aren't too important in a game that is based around slaughtering massive amounts of zombies and getting to the nearest safe room, which when you finally do, you're gasping for air after your screaming at your friends to keep up, not alert the witch, kill the nearest boomer, etc. I dunno about you, but I don't stop and smell the roses when a vicious zombie is gnawing on the back of my head.


All in all, I would give this game a 9/10. Very Fun, Easy to pick up, and Great for Parties or introducing people to Gaming

The Spork adds: Its very difficult to find a good co-op game these days. Most of them are single player games with a clone of the main character awkwardly tacked on. But Left 4 Dead, you have four dinstinct characters, all of whom are required to work together. If someone runs off on their own, they WILL die. It's a fact of the game.

And on top of that, this game actually feels like a Zombie game, rather than an action game that happens to have zombies.

Neverwinter Nights 2

So... another post. I should try to figure out some kind of schedule for these things. Or not. Whatever.

Anyway, another video game, because I love video games.

Neverwinter Nights 2, the sequel to Neverwinter Nights.

The game begins with absolutely no relation to the hero of Neverwinter from Neverwinter Nights, nor to Deekin's friend, the hero of the expansion packs of Neverwinter Nights. Wierd.

So anyway, the game begins with you getting some instructions from your cold Elven foster father, telling you to do something he could quite easily do himself on his way to where he's going. But you have to do it anyway. He doesn't want to carry the furs or something. Well, not a minute into the game, and you have a mission already.

Go outside and meet your friends, and it won't be long at all until you get another mission. Alright! So now you have to sell some furs, buy a bow for Dad, and compete in the Harvest Cup. The Harvest Cup consists of four events, and if you win three, you win the cup. Supposedly, nobody has won all four since Cormick, whoever that was. However, unless you're a dolt, you should be able to win all four without too much trouble. For your efforts, you get a cup and a cape that makes you look good, but will be replaced by something better shortly afterwards. Your happiness is quickly crushed, however, when a bunch of evil critters come and slaughter half your town. So then you are given the task of gathering the half assed militia to fight wave after wave of the aforementioned evil critters. For farmers living in a swamp, they do surprisingly well, but still appreciate the help when Dad shows up with some archers.

After the carnage, Dad explains to you that it might kinda sorta be his fault that they came. So he sends you and your surviving friend into the dangerous swamp to take a shiny thing away from the lizardmen. Great parenting, right there. Most players will probably end up killing all the lizardmen, but if you're good, you can convince them to be friendly. So after you get that, Dad tells you to take it to his half brother in Neverwinter.

Well at least now we know why it's called Neverwinter Nights. The expansions to the first Neverwinter Nights didn't even involve the city of Neverwinter at all! Why were they expansions anyway? They didn't feature the city, they had new protagonists, they had unrelated plots...

But back to the game I'm actually reviewing. Neverwinter Nights 2 runs on the Dungeons and Dragons 3.5 Ruleset, an update from Neverwinter Nights, which ran on 3.0. Some of the feats and skills have changed slightly, but if you were familiar with how the system worked in NWN, you should be able to figure it out without much trouble.

There are new classes and races as well. The only new core class is Warlock, an arcane spellcaster who focuses more on blowing stuff up and less on actual spells, but is otherwise similar to a sorcerer. There are seven new prestige classes, two of which have prerequisites tied to story events.

New races include various subraces, such as Duergar and Drow, which are "dark" variants of Dwarves and Elves, respectively. You can also be a Tiefling or Aasimar, a human with hints of fiendish or celestial ancestry. Oddly enough, even if you play a tiefling with blatantly obvious horns, a tail, and yellow eyes, people will interact with you as if you were a perfectly normal person. However, a certain tiefling NPC you meet early in the game is constantly harassed and molested due to her fiendish ancestry. What the crap?

Several of your companions will frustrate you to no end, especially a certain Elven Druid who has a tendancy to shift into large animals and block doorways during fights.

As with previous installations of the series, the details of the game vary greatly depending on a multitude of choices made by the player, but the overall goal of the game generally remains the same most of the way through. I won't spoil the ending for ya, though.

The Bottom Line: If you like RPGs, Neverwinter Nights is an excellent series, well worth your time, and Neverwinter Nights 2 continues that tradition of excellence. Rock on Bioware.

The Princess Bride

Well, here's my first movie review, and it's an old favorite of mine. Guess you already know this is going to be a positive review, then. Well NYAA to you.

Moving along.

Don't let the title of this movie fool you. Hearing the title without knowing the movie brings to mind the kind of cheesy, poorly acted love story that only girls under the age of ten can enjoy. However, it more along the lines of things that are so hilarious, most of it will go right over the heads of those very same girls under the age of ten.

Cary Elwes stars as Westley, a servant boy who seems a bit too eager to do whatever the heck Buttercup (Robin Wright Penn) tells him to do. In addition, he seems to have an extremely limited vocabulary. Then Westley and Buttercup fall in love, so he decides to leave. Makes sense to me.

So then he leaves, and promptly gets capured by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never leaves prisoners alive. Well now! This is certainly no children's story! Murder already? Jeez. The narrator's grandson seems to think this is just great, however. Man, children were violent back in the 80s.

Where was I?

Oh yes. Then the movie skips ahead like five years or something, and some more stuff happens, culminating in everyone who watches it spouting the word "inconcievable" uncontrollably for up to a week afterwards.

But the movie supplies many other excellent lines as well, many of which can be used in everyday life, provided you are either quick witted or downright nuts.

Such lines as:

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"I am not left handed."

"NOT TO FIFTY!"

and

"Well, he's been mostly dead all day."

Well now. It seems that reviewing a movie in a humorous manner without spoiling it is quite difficult. I shall have to expend more effort next time.

The Bottom Line: If you do not own this movie and are not a humorless dick (in which case I doubt you'd still be reading this nonsense), then do yourself a favor and go buy a DVD of this film. And then go watch it. At least once a month. Forever.

Eve Online

My Rating: 4/10

Why such a low rating you ask? Well, you need to know how to play a game to play it and (In my and Randall's case) rate it, right? Well, it took me 4 goddamned days to figure out what the fuck everything does. Press one wrong button and you end up in some fucked up state or in some different place. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT ANYMORE MAN?!

Well, to move on, the tutorial just confused the fuck out of me even more, so I said screw it and just randomly started playing. I figured how to mine and warp, and let me tell you, mining after 5 hours straight gets pretty damn boring.

Then I decided to attempt to kill some pirates, and guess what? I bought a new ship that I could not even equip a goddamn gun to because I required some stupid skill. So after getting blasted to pieces, I warped away to the nearest station. I nearly threw my desktop through my monitor when I saw all the fucking options. KEEP IT SIMPLE PEEPS!

If you figure out how to work this shit, plllleeeeeeeeaaaaassssseeeeee teach me so I can do an actual review on it.

Peggle

Hey, whats up readers?

Not much? Yeah same here. Which is why I'm making another post. Another video game this time.

What game you ask? Did you not read the title? Peggle. Specifically, two of the three incarnations of Peggle I am aware of.

First up we have Peggle Extreme, which was formerly available free through Steam to buyers of the Orange Box for PC, and is now available to any schmuck with a Steam Account (which is free).

Peggle Extreme is essentially a demo of Peggle, but with unique levels, each level themed after one or more of the games included in the Orange Box (Half Life 2, Team Fortress 2, Portal). The object of this game is to launch a ball from the top of the screen at a bunch of "pegs" and "bricks" (read: circles and rectangles) on the screen. There's also a moving bucket at the bottom that you should try to hit if possible. You start each level with ten balls, and get a replacement balls by meeting certain conditions, such as a certain score in one turn, or getting a ball in the bucket. The level ends in failure if you run out of balls, and in success if you get rid of all the orange pegs and bricks.

Meanwhile, you are aided by a Scandinavian Unicorn who makes it easier to aim, but only if you hit a green peg (or brick) the turn before. Later levels make you flip your shit by including portals that send your balls flying all over the place.

HOLY CRAP, IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT ALREADY?

Sorry about that. Moving on, we have Peggle Deluxe, which is basically the full version of Peggle. As far as I know, there is no plain ol' Peggle, so you have to wonder why they added the word Deluxe.

Peggle Deluxe gives you a much wider selection of levels than Peggle Extreme did, and additional masters, other than the aforementioned Scandinavian Unicorn, each of whom does something different. Among them, a gopher who seems to be a surfer dude from the valley, an Egyptian cat, a manic rabbit magician, and a one eyed dragon. Some of them are more useful than others.

And after you finish the "campaign," (the reward for which is a picture of a trophy), you can continue the game by playing the challenges, which consist of various levels with different goals than the normal levels. The differences vary from a few extra orange pegs to starting with only one ball, to having to get a certain score on the level.

There is also another Peggle called Peggle Nights, which comes in a darker box, and presumably features new levels, possibly darker ones.

Oh, I almost forgot. At the end of every level, it plays the Ode to Joy. That's worth a few bonus points, right?

The Bottom Line: Peggle is a highly addictive game that's worth a try, especially since anyone with an internet connection can download Peggle Extreme for free. And quite frankly, I'm assuming you have an internet connection, since you're reading this. At least, I'm assuming you're reading this.